Thursday, January 17, 2013

The Adventure in Change

I've been thinking about this topic for about the past 5 months; ever since I found out I was pregnant.  I didn't expect to get pregnant so quickly, so I was caught a little off guard when it happened.  I was excited, especially when I saw the beautiful joy in my husband's eyes.  But once it sank in, I wasn't quite sure how I felt or how to react.  I always dreamed about meeting my best friend and getting married, and I prayed so fervently for that to happen.  My heart would ache to meet my true love, but I never really ached to have a baby or dreamed about being a mom.  I've actually felt pretty awkward and unsure around infants.  I'm always the person that wants to hold the baby, but then quickly passes it off after about 30 seconds.  I can count on one hand the amount of diapers I've changed.  So when I started thinking about Hank and I having a little boy or girl of our own, I started to feel almost dread.  If you read my Introduction to this blog, you can see that my heart lies in having adventures both at home and around the world.  I started this blog because I began a time in my life when I couldn't just pick up my suitcase and travel to my heart's content.  It hit me that a child could add another aspect to my life that limits my freedom to just pick up and go.  It was around this time of confusing thought that I began to feel pretty nauseous.  I remember the first morning I actually looked at Hank with this huge smile and said, "Hey! I think this is morning sickness!" haha  Well, it wasn't long after that that I realized my morning sickness wasn't all that exciting.  We were calling the baby "Larry the lentil" at the time, and we would just say light heartedly that Larry was just saying hello each time I threw up.  Well, two and three times a day turned into not being able to keep anything down.  I tried everything.  The doctor finally prescribed me an anti-nausea that helped prevent me from getting too dehydrated.  I was really sick for about 4 months straight.  I'd be sick in the morning, go to work all day, and then come home for an evening of paralyzing nausea.  I would count down the minutes until I could take another anti-nausea pill.  Hank really carried the load during that time, doing all the dishes and laundry between school and work.  He kept such a positive attitude, but he really struggled when he started noticing that I just didn't smile anymore.  I felt like a robot just getting up, throwing up, going to work, feeling no emotion... except guilt.  Guilt for not being more joyful.  Guilt for not thanking the Lord every minute of the day for this incredible miracle.  Finally, I broke down one day on the phone with one of my best friends and told her all that was weighing so heavily on my heart.  This was a turning point for me.  She had actually struggled in the past with trying to get pregnant, and she encouraged me... assuring me that anyone as sick as I was would feel the same way.  She said that I would, even though I couldn't imagine it now, begin to feel an emotional connection with "Larry the lentil".  So I started praying specifically for the Lord to help me love "Larry", and I started asking friends and family for prayers regarding my health and attitude.  I was still really sick, but I felt like I could see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.  Spending time with family and seeing their excitement over the baby really helped my heart open up to the idea.  Hearing my husband speak about how the Lord has everything taken care of and seeing his joy and excitement started to break down the walls in my heart.  When I started to feel the baby move, I started to smile again.  It was so weird and freaky, and fun!  Two weeks ago we found out that we're having a girl.  It came as a surprise because we were kind of thinking a boy, hence "Larry".  But we quickly warmed up to the idea.  I just figured the Lord knew we needed a big sister for hopefully all the boys we're going to have!  And Hank is already wrapped around her little finger:)  Before I knew it, I was having fun being pregnant.  Once 22 weeks hit, I started feeling better.  And then I realized something.  This is one of the biggest changes I will ever face in my life.  Bigger than Africa, maybe even bigger than getting married... and I'm getting excited because it is going to be an adventure!  Not knowing what to expect, having to plan and make preparations, feeling excited and nervous at the same time.  I haven't had a lot of change in my life over the past 3 years, and I never realized how much I like change.  I mean, I'd never stayed in the same job for more than two years because I like to try new things.  After graduating from high school, I'd never even lived in the same state for more than two years at a time because I love to move around.  The thought of change is scary at first, but then you start to realize the adventure that is just around the corner.  Well, this is an adventure that is coming to my own doorstep, one that I don't have to go looking for.  And it's coming to us in a beautiful little pink package:)  So here's to embracing change and a new adventure!!  (And if I could drink, I'd totally raise a frozen margarita to this one;)  Love y'all.
"For I know the plans I have for you, " declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11